Great title, right? So original, and not a tad bit redundant. ;) I just have had a lot on my mind lately, so I'm going to try and process it all through a blog post. This could (should) probably be several separate posts, but I want to get it all out. Lucky you!
I've started volunteering for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I'm a photographer's assistant, which basically means I help dress and pose the baby, and do whatever else the photographer needs me to do. So far, I've only been on one call, and I was shadowing. I was very composed during the shoot, which was pretty brief. That night, I did dream that Ellie was the baby we were photographing. That kind of freaked me out, but I haven't had any more dreams of that nature. To be fair, I have incredibly strange, vivid dreams almost nightly. I think my brain just really likes to process things that way. I suppose it's something I need to keep watch of while I am working with NILMDTS.
A week ago, I took four dozen doughnuts to Crestwood Medical Center (the hospital where I delivered both Everett and Ellie) as a NILMDTS volunteer for Nurse's Appreciation week. The woman at the nurse's station was Misty, my main nurse during Eleanor's birth. She was absolutely wonderful to us back in January, and upon seeing her, I immediately gushed, "Oh hi Misty! It's me, Jocelyn! Do you remember me?!? You were my nurse when my daughter was born in January!" Of course, she looked at me with wide eyes, trying to place me, and said, "You look *so* familiar..." Haha! While I was in the hospital with Ellie, two of my nurses from Everett's delivery visited me, and did remember me. Of course, the circumstances of those two births couldn't have been more different.
I've never been so happy to not be remembered as I was that day.
Several sweet baby loss mamas that I know are pregnant. For most, this will be their first baby to bring home. Those sweet mamas are on my heart so much. I enjoyed being pregnant both times, but I will never forget the main emotion I felt when Eleanor was born: relief. I was glad it was over. For that split second, I wanted to take her and run, and never ever take my chances with pregnancy again. I am resting in the knowledge that luck and chance have nothing to do with it, and that our God is sovereign over all His creation.
Two of my best friends have had healthy, uneventful first pregnancies, and are preparing to meet their respective baby girls in July. My sister in law is pregnant with her second, who we will welcome in October. Lots of pregnant women on my heart and in my prayers right now. I know that truly, I have no reason to feel guilty. But still, I wish they hadn't had to see something so horrific so up close. They know too much now. We all do.
Again, I know God is on His throne. I trust His sovereignty and His redemptive plan. I have Hope. "We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:12